Nobody Cucks the Zuck via /r/wallstreetbets

Mark Zuckerberg sits alone in his office, trying to grasp what has happened.

He’s used to the mockery, the roasting; it’s been his entire life. He can deal with that. He knows what jokes smell like.

But Facebook? Meta? Up until now they were his shining city on the hill; his magnum opus; his life’s greatest achievement.

“Largest single day loss in history…” He mutters to himself, eyes glazed over, deep in thought, slowly swirling his shirley temple. His second one this week; somebody’s not sleeping tonight.

Tim Apple, Muskrat, even that fking cyberboomer Buffett have all been roasting his ass on the daily. On discord no less, they could have at least flamed him on WhatsApp. Not to mention literally everyone in Europe calling his bluff and telling him to gtfo. Even the retards on wsb have been making 🌈🐻 bank off his misery.

Enough is enough, he thinks to himself.

He flies into action. His heart is literally beating and he knows it. He loves it. What a rush! He’s never felt so alive. Revenge will be sweet.

Descending down the crystal staircase from his office, he makes his way to the past the ball pit and his flat warm rock towards the room he thought he’d never have to open. He never thought it would come to this but he knows that he has no other choice.

He approaches the door and licks his lips way too much in preparation of speaking the password:

“Smokin’ deez meats.” He whispers, wetly.

The door beeps in agreement, a low hiss fills the air as the door unlocks and slowly swings open.

The room is dimly lit, large and lukewarm; just the way Zuck likes it. And there, directly in the center of the room, an old PC waits patiently for input. The CRT monitor hums ever so quietly from beneath it’s very 80’s style dust cover; like some shit straight outta Alien.

There it is. His ultimate weapon. His Doomsberg Terminal.

There’s no turning back now. He rips the cover off, sits down, and slowly types out the name of his first victim:

“Timothy ‘Apple’ Cook”. He presses enter.

The off-white 486 whirs into action, retrieving all Tim ‘Apple’ Cooks Facebook instant messages, every single one, from back before everyone got wise to Zucks plans of stealing personal data to sell oddly specific t-shirts to fucking idiots. He thought it would make him a billionaire, turns out spreading misinformation amongst the stupid bastards was much more profitable.

(What’s that? You thought those messages were deleted when you deleted your FB account? LMAO!)

He begins searching through the messages, looking for some juicy dirt so he can finally bob this Apple, and for good.

It’s not long before he finds it:

[ Tim Cook ] : So I’m like, “You’re shitting me right, Steve? You’re a famous BILLIONAIRE, you could get the best cancer treatment in the history of mankind but instead you’re gonna get acupuncture and drink fking Jamba Juice???”

[ Tim Cook ] : Mfers turtleneck on too tight or something, smh

[ Tim Cook ] : Anyway bb as I was saying, I need access to all ur pics so I can make sure ur not a pedo k thnx

[ Some thotty ] : So can you fix my Compaq or nah

This is what Zuck has been waiting for. By threatening to expose Tim Apple as a massive douche who also hates privacy (he shudders at the mere thought of the word) he can blackmail him into reversing Apple’s pesky ad revenue ruining policy and regain his rightful place back in the top 10.

He leans back in his chair; revelling in his sheer brilliance. He feels like a big man, not even the biggest congressional booster seat in the world could make him feel this tall. He hasn’t felt this good since he saw the Social Network for the first time and asian chick they cast as his future wife was like 1000x hotter than his actual wife and it was confusing but awesome.

He gets up to leave, he’s hard af but he doesn’t even notice, all he can think about is who his next victim will be.

Ketchup loving boomer Buffett?

Tie-dye hippie doofus Dorsey?

Peter “I’m not a nazi u are” Thiel?

No.

He knows who should be next.

That autistic twitter tourettes south african retard.

“Musk” He says. “If only you could have known…” He smiles, bigly.

“Nobody cucks the Zuck.”

Fin